A conversation on the balcony, over drinks.
When Ani comes to see me, we end up talking about a lot of things — sometimes even things we've only ever debated with ourselves before now. Yesterday evening was like that too. Sitting in the hammock, she changed the subject and suddenly said to me:
- You know, sometimes I realize that my life has been run by other people's steps up until now, but I still only managed to admit this to myself late — and now I'm telling you too.
It felt a little strange to hear such intimate words from someone else. After all, I'm also still trying to break free from it myself.
- Yeah, I've thought about that too, and I've realized that everyone has their own version of what a 'good child,' a 'successful girl,' or a 'model citizen' should be. In all that noise, even after years, I still struggle to hear my own desires.
I said this and the anxiety eased a bit — generally, admitting things is hard for everyone, and that's really the main problem: we don't call facts by their proper names.
- Admitting it helped me - Ani said, looking at me with a smile.
We didn't talk about it further that day, but we'd both taken a step forward, and that turned out to be enough for a new perspective.
This conversation stayed with me for a long time. I realized that everyone has this small, quiet compass somewhere inside — the place we start from when we ask ourselves "what do I actually want?" — whenever free will is born.
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